I have a tumblr now. So anyone who might find this blog should then transfer over to my tumblr. It's more up to date :)

waiting for the dusk to kill the day

Up until as of late I've been a very reactive person. It's an unfortunate habit.

If I get insecure I'm likely to just throw away friendships.

Which is an awful shame since I'm easily embarrassed and almost always insecure, so really I'm an unstable creature. It's hard to live inside a head that seems to make strange decisions at every time of the day.

I know it seems like I'm always outgoing and happy. I'm mostly always happy, but sometimes it's hard for me to be outgoing. I get kind of nervous. It's the loser side of me showing it's face, like it's done since I was little. I get insecure and worry that people won't like me. Again.

And then. I usually never give them the chance to, because I shut down and back my way out.

Secretly I always hope that they'll notice I'm gone some day and be like, shit. There went a great friendship...

I'll be honest. That thought always kind of pleased me and it satisfied my loser side. It kept my loser status steady and thriving.

Lately I've realized that it's a lonely life I lead. I let important people in. True. I interact and maintain surface friendships with people, but only a handful of those do I consider to be deep. This realization makes me think of something rather simple. I'd rather actually be friends with a person instead of just letting my embarrassment, irritation or insecurity get the best of me. It would be better to actually live my friendships than think, some day, someone might miss me.

Maybe.

It's hard for me to have friends sometimes because of the loser I used to be.

It's dramatic and dumb, but I'll get to the point. I was generally thought of as weird and kind of gross when I was little. It doesn't matter why, it just matters that generally I was either a) looked down upon by my peers or b) not thought of at all. I understand that they were little. They didn't know what to do with a weirdo like me, I get that.

But sometimes I wonder why people would even want to be friends with me now. I'm still the same person, what makes me good enough to be friends with now? Nothing. Just because I dress differently?

I've carried the same insecurities with me since I was little. It's hard for me to let go of them, but I'm desperately going to try.

a lovely day

i would like to comment and give thanks to the fact that i've been having a great past few days. completely wonderful.

today i walked across campus in the snow. cozy in my coat, scarf and boots. and listened to edith piaf. so wonderful.

i was talking to lauren about things with sheer beauty. and for some reason, this situation really hit me as one. it was so beautiful. i am really lucky to be able to go to college, experience snow on such a magnificent campus, and have my ear drums be blessed by such a talented woman's singing.

thank you God, without You none of this would have been possible.

fond words.

he doesn't know who i am. not in the least. he doesn't know what my major is, my best friends name, what i'm allergic to, and heck, i'm sure by now he's forgotten when my birthday is.

here's to you, dad.

you're so awesome.

now, because you don't know me. you don't get to decide if i'm good enough to leave out of your life. i decide that i'm good enough to realize i'm not going to stand being chosen last anymore.

and when you wake up one day and realize that i'm gone. that you've finally pushed me out of your life, you'll miss me. i swear you will.

because i was the one who told you who you could be. the kind of person you used to be. i encouraged you to use this one life of yours. but you refused.

you chose some five cent lobster over your entire family.

and i sincerely hope that you don't end up miserable.

because that's the way it's looking.

you do the rest.

“it’s meant to be” “everything happens for a reason”

To a certain extent, I do agree. I really do feel that some things are bound to happen, and that some things are just destined to fail. However, I think it’s foolish to leave it at that. If we always pretend that things are out of our hands, nothing will ever happen. It’s necessary to try for something as hard as you’re able and when you’ve gone as far as you can, realize then that it’s out of your hands. That you’ve done your part, and fate needs to do the rest.

It’s hard to let something be. Just to let it have its breathing room.

“if you love something, give it away.”

Even though it’s not in the song, I feel like the rest of that lyric should say something about how it'll come back. At least, that’s what I think.

I’m writing this entry for me. Because I’ve done as much as possible and it's now escaped my grasp. I’m alright with that. Because even if it doesn’t work out, I know that it’s destined to happen some other time. I’m not too worried, but I’m still crossing my fingers. I’m still holding my breath.

a phone call.

i have realized a few things.

i am not in fremont anymore. people don't know me here. do i want them to?
who knows.

there are parts of my life that are just -done-
i don't have some of the important relationships that i once had. they're gone. our connections aren't as strong. and it's just done.
i'm done being in high school.
i'm done feeling secure in my present. for the next few years. i'm destined to feel unsure and i'm meant to worry about homework, exams and all sorts of other things that weren't an issue before.

it's weird to realize how used to things people get. how quickly we adapt.
i cried for days about going to college. days. i worried myself sick. but when i got here, i didn't cry. strangely enough i really didn't...
but somewhere along the line i got used to going to strange classes. listening to strange people. studying twice as much as normal.
i got used to depending on my roommate. she's a huge part of my life. she's fun. and she's one of the very best friends i've got here. i have no idea what i'd do if i didn't have her. i really don't.

this whole thing is weird. and disconcerting.
people are jumping in feet first. and i really should. but i feel that for right now. this very moment, it's alright for me to mourn the things i've lost. because i'm sure that people aren't even aware that it's been lost.
anyhow. i know no one will read this. but good bye comfortable friendship. it was wonderful while it existed. i'll miss you.

I AM SO OVER BEING WALKED ON.
I've decided that it's just no longer my thing.
I'm not going to be a people pleaser anymore.
and by that I just mean that I am not about to apologize for things that I don't feel are my fault. as I said earlier today about this situation, "if you're gonna be mad at me. then be mad." I'll just let them get back to me when they decide to stop being a douche bag about the whole situation. I mean. if they're gonna be all pissy and a generally bad friend. whatever. I've already gone through this more times than any normal friend should have to. so. I know this seems like quitting when the going gets tough.
but I recently realized that the only reason these small tiffs exist is because the second party likes drama. like. really? who does that. they start these things because they want to be in a fight. they want the attention. they want the intensity. I don't want to be just a silly little relationship to this person. I'm not about to be something that they feel is okay to completely treat like crap. like an experiment.
that's no longer me.

this isn't like the "end of Kristy's niceness" or whatever. it's just the end of me bowing down to other people like it's my job. and it's not. I'm not getting paid. there aren't any benefits. it's just me getting all broken and upset because other people feel like it.
I am not that girl.

and I know it seems like I'm making a huge deal out of this, but it needs to be done.
it's like marking the end of an era. :P

...kind of.


anyway, this was nice.
I like ranting.
but hopefully I soon won't have to

I'll be the definition of chill. and so are all my friends.
so I guess. all of the fake ones best leave.
because I'm not about to break the chill again.