this is for you rach.

my birthday was really awesome. but we need to make sure to do the night picnic. fo rull.
my very favorite things from my birthday
-muh phish. we need to name them. [and the snails]
-waking up late
-getting facebook comments, messages, texts, calls and even some mail from people wishing me a happy birthday
-my birthday breakfast.
-seeing my grandma
-eating lunch with abby
-straightening and braiding nicky's hair
-having wild cherry PEPSI and butterfinger
-...wearing a crown that lights up. with a wand. and a pin. :D
-eating at sonic [with our fabulous waiter Andrew]
-walking in the movie theatre having people stare at me because of my crown
-seeing the LIFE CHANGING "blind side".
-locking my keys in my car
-having you be my absolute other half.

you're one cool sista.


anyhoozer. I also really like my camera. we need to name it...
probably a boy name. strong, but not pushy. and different, but not something ridic. a legit name ;)

Bach, I'm just gonna ramble. because I feel kind of like just letting things out there.
you feel me, homeslice?


Quitting theatre today was so liberating. I felt like I was being tied down and now I'm able to breathe. I didn't say all I wanted to, but it was enough.

but I've been getting into a lot of fights lately. and it's really getting under my skin. I just want to be like, "WHAT. what's the -real- problem here?" because you can only fight about petty things for so long until it's obvious that there is an underlying cause. but whatever. boo.

...
I don't know why I've been feeling so inadequate lately. I'm currently making plans to make going to the tamarac a completely regular thing. because we both know I'm getting a tad chubby. I think it's the new trimester. I feel like if I start now then I'll totally be on track or something.

Sometimes I really hate people. not like true hate. but I just can't stand what they do. sometimes. it's kind of like the thing we were talking about. the popping in and out of lives thing...
people change so much. and then all of that time that you spent getting to know them is wasted. you no longer have any claim on them. you know absolutely nothing about them anymore. because they've completely replaced who they used to be with this new person. and the worst part is that they don't even know it.

but I guess I'm being a huge hypocrite. people change. it's obviously gonna happen. very neccessary. but I guess I don't like the fact that I've been booted out of their lives. and they seem so completely unaffected. it's like, well. thank you for treating me like a valuable part of your life. ... not.

and again. I'm being a huge hypocrite. but I didn't write this to prove myself to anyone. I wrote this to talk to you. in kind of a prosey bloggy way. different than phone calls or in person. because I can think about what I'm saying. but also different than an email or a letter. because I'm not actually taking that much time to think about it...

rach. I guess the main idea here would be that I'm ridiculously afraid of change. but on the other hand I'm so eager to be who I'm meant to be, to go where I need to go and to generally GET OUT THERE and be. exist. but it's so conflicting. the being afraid for change and then being ready for it. I could easily argue both points. but I'm not arguing. I'm just stating facts.


i like knowing that i can write all of these things to you and know that you'll still be friends with me tomorrow. you wouldn't just jack up my friendship with you because of some little upset. even though I'm pretty sure there haven't been any.
and I know why that is. I feel no need to cause drama. and neither do you. we're both existing. and it's very cool.
so cool in fact, that glaciers are jealous.

I need to show you that marionette poem.
eventually.


I cleaned my fish tank. VERYVERyVEryVeryvery well. it looks clear. like. perfect.
which makes sense... because it's glass. but all the same. I feel like it's never been cleaner.
and this is because I wanted to take extra care, so I could stare at my fish even better than before. haha. :P

my room generally has not ever been cleaner. this was caused by a major upset. [a while ago. and I think you can guess the origin. if not. alert me.] and ever since. I've been a serious neat freak about my life. my bathroom is clean. my room is clean. but I do however need to fix the whole pop spilling in my car thing. and that'll be fine when my cousin returns the little green machine.
green seems like it should be spelled. "grean."
like bean.




anyway bach, I'm going to sleep.
goodnight.