a lovely day

i would like to comment and give thanks to the fact that i've been having a great past few days. completely wonderful.

today i walked across campus in the snow. cozy in my coat, scarf and boots. and listened to edith piaf. so wonderful.

i was talking to lauren about things with sheer beauty. and for some reason, this situation really hit me as one. it was so beautiful. i am really lucky to be able to go to college, experience snow on such a magnificent campus, and have my ear drums be blessed by such a talented woman's singing.

thank you God, without You none of this would have been possible.

fond words.

he doesn't know who i am. not in the least. he doesn't know what my major is, my best friends name, what i'm allergic to, and heck, i'm sure by now he's forgotten when my birthday is.

here's to you, dad.

you're so awesome.

now, because you don't know me. you don't get to decide if i'm good enough to leave out of your life. i decide that i'm good enough to realize i'm not going to stand being chosen last anymore.

and when you wake up one day and realize that i'm gone. that you've finally pushed me out of your life, you'll miss me. i swear you will.

because i was the one who told you who you could be. the kind of person you used to be. i encouraged you to use this one life of yours. but you refused.

you chose some five cent lobster over your entire family.

and i sincerely hope that you don't end up miserable.

because that's the way it's looking.

you do the rest.

“it’s meant to be” “everything happens for a reason”

To a certain extent, I do agree. I really do feel that some things are bound to happen, and that some things are just destined to fail. However, I think it’s foolish to leave it at that. If we always pretend that things are out of our hands, nothing will ever happen. It’s necessary to try for something as hard as you’re able and when you’ve gone as far as you can, realize then that it’s out of your hands. That you’ve done your part, and fate needs to do the rest.

It’s hard to let something be. Just to let it have its breathing room.

“if you love something, give it away.”

Even though it’s not in the song, I feel like the rest of that lyric should say something about how it'll come back. At least, that’s what I think.

I’m writing this entry for me. Because I’ve done as much as possible and it's now escaped my grasp. I’m alright with that. Because even if it doesn’t work out, I know that it’s destined to happen some other time. I’m not too worried, but I’m still crossing my fingers. I’m still holding my breath.

a phone call.

i have realized a few things.

i am not in fremont anymore. people don't know me here. do i want them to?
who knows.

there are parts of my life that are just -done-
i don't have some of the important relationships that i once had. they're gone. our connections aren't as strong. and it's just done.
i'm done being in high school.
i'm done feeling secure in my present. for the next few years. i'm destined to feel unsure and i'm meant to worry about homework, exams and all sorts of other things that weren't an issue before.

it's weird to realize how used to things people get. how quickly we adapt.
i cried for days about going to college. days. i worried myself sick. but when i got here, i didn't cry. strangely enough i really didn't...
but somewhere along the line i got used to going to strange classes. listening to strange people. studying twice as much as normal.
i got used to depending on my roommate. she's a huge part of my life. she's fun. and she's one of the very best friends i've got here. i have no idea what i'd do if i didn't have her. i really don't.

this whole thing is weird. and disconcerting.
people are jumping in feet first. and i really should. but i feel that for right now. this very moment, it's alright for me to mourn the things i've lost. because i'm sure that people aren't even aware that it's been lost.
anyhow. i know no one will read this. but good bye comfortable friendship. it was wonderful while it existed. i'll miss you.