If I get insecure I'm likely to just throw away friendships.
Which is an awful shame since I'm easily embarrassed and almost always insecure, so really I'm an unstable creature. It's hard to live inside a head that seems to make strange decisions at every time of the day.
I know it seems like I'm always outgoing and happy. I'm mostly always happy, but sometimes it's hard for me to be outgoing. I get kind of nervous. It's the loser side of me showing it's face, like it's done since I was little. I get insecure and worry that people won't like me. Again.
And then. I usually never give them the chance to, because I shut down and back my way out.
Secretly I always hope that they'll notice I'm gone some day and be like, shit. There went a great friendship...
I'll be honest. That thought always kind of pleased me and it satisfied my loser side. It kept my loser status steady and thriving.
Lately I've realized that it's a lonely life I lead. I let important people in. True. I interact and maintain surface friendships with people, but only a handful of those do I consider to be deep. This realization makes me think of something rather simple. I'd rather actually be friends with a person instead of just letting my embarrassment, irritation or insecurity get the best of me. It would be better to actually live my friendships than think, some day, someone might miss me.
Maybe.
It's hard for me to have friends sometimes because of the loser I used to be.
It's dramatic and dumb, but I'll get to the point. I was generally thought of as weird and kind of gross when I was little. It doesn't matter why, it just matters that generally I was either a) looked down upon by my peers or b) not thought of at all. I understand that they were little. They didn't know what to do with a weirdo like me, I get that.
But sometimes I wonder why people would even want to be friends with me now. I'm still the same person, what makes me good enough to be friends with now? Nothing. Just because I dress differently?
I've carried the same insecurities with me since I was little. It's hard for me to let go of them, but I'm desperately going to try.
