k.preb lives out loud

2011-03-14T08:22:00.000-07:00

I have a tumblr now. So anyone who might find this blog should then transfer over to my tumblr. It's more up to date :)

waiting for the dusk to kill the day

2011-01-20T20:22:00.000-08:00

Up until as of late I've been a very reactive person. It's an unfortunate habit.

If I get insecure I'm likely to just throw away friendships.

Which is an awful shame since I'm easily embarrassed and almost always insecure, so really I'm an unstable creature. It's hard to live inside a head that seems to make strange decisions at every time of the day.

I know it seems like I'm always outgoing and happy. I'm mostly always happy, but sometimes it's hard for me to be outgoing. I get kind of nervous. It's the loser side of me showing it's face, like it's done since I was little. I get insecure and worry that people won't like me. Again.

And then. I usually never give them the chance to, because I shut down and back my way out.

Secretly I always hope that they'll notice I'm gone some day and be like, shit. There went a great friendship...

I'll be honest. That thought always kind of pleased me and it satisfied my loser side. It kept my loser status steady and thriving.

Lately I've realized that it's a lonely life I lead. I let important people in. True. I interact and maintain surface friendships with people, but only a handful of those do I consider to be deep. This realization makes me think of something rather simple. I'd rather actually be friends with a person instead of just letting my embarrassment, irritation or insecurity get the best of me. It would be better to actually live my friendships than think, some day, someone might miss me.

Maybe.

It's hard for me to have friends sometimes because of the loser I used to be.

It's dramatic and dumb, but I'll get to the point. I was generally thought of as weird and kind of gross when I was little. It doesn't matter why, it just matters that generally I was either a) looked down upon by my peers or b) not thought of at all. I understand that they were little. They didn't know what to do with a weirdo like me, I get that.

But sometimes I wonder why people would even want to be friends with me now. I'm still the same person, what makes me good enough to be friends with now? Nothing. Just because I dress differently?

I've carried the same insecurities with me since I was little. It's hard for me to let go of them, but I'm desperately going to try.

a lovely day

2010-12-02T07:46:00.000-08:00

i would like to comment and give thanks to the fact that i've been having a great past few days. completely wonderful.

today i walked across campus in the snow. cozy in my coat, scarf and boots. and listened to edith piaf. so wonderful.

i was talking to lauren about things with sheer beauty. and for some reason, this situation really hit me as one. it was so beautiful. i am really lucky to be able to go to college, experience snow on such a magnificent campus, and have my ear drums be blessed by such a talented woman's singing.

thank you God, without You none of this would have been possible.

fond words.

2010-11-15T07:13:00.000-08:00

he doesn't know who i am. not in the least. he doesn't know what my major is, my best friends name, what i'm allergic to, and heck, i'm sure by now he's forgotten when my birthday is.

here's to you, dad.

you're so awesome.

now, because you don't know me. you don't get to decide if i'm good enough to leave out of your life. i decide that i'm good enough to realize i'm not going to stand being chosen last anymore.

and when you wake up one day and realize that i'm gone. that you've finally pushed me out of your life, you'll miss me. i swear you will.

because i was the one who told you who you could be. the kind of person you used to be. i encouraged you to use this one life of yours. but you refused.

you chose some five cent lobster over your entire family.

and i sincerely hope that you don't end up miserable.

because that's the way it's looking.

you do the rest.

2010-10-31T20:00:00.000-07:00

“it’s meant to be” “everything happens for a reason”

To a certain extent, I do agree. I really do feel that some things are bound to happen, and that some things are just destined to fail. However, I think it’s foolish to leave it at that. If we always pretend that things are out of our hands, nothing will ever happen. It’s necessary to try for something as hard as you’re able and when you’ve gone as far as you can, realize then that it’s out of your hands. That you’ve done your part, and fate needs to do the rest.

It’s hard to let something be. Just to let it have its breathing room.

“if you love something, give it away.”

Even though it’s not in the song, I feel like the rest of that lyric should say something about how it'll come back. At least, that’s what I think.

I’m writing this entry for me. Because I’ve done as much as possible and it's now escaped my grasp. I’m alright with that. Because even if it doesn’t work out, I know that it’s destined to happen some other time. I’m not too worried, but I’m still crossing my fingers. I’m still holding my breath.

a phone call.

2010-10-07T18:51:00.000-07:00

i have realized a few things.

i am not in fremont anymore. people don't know me here. do i want them to?
who knows.

there are parts of my life that are just -done-
i don't have some of the important relationships that i once had. they're gone. our connections aren't as strong. and it's just done.
i'm done being in high school.
i'm done feeling secure in my present. for the next few years. i'm destined to feel unsure and i'm meant to worry about homework, exams and all sorts of other things that weren't an issue before.

it's weird to realize how used to things people get. how quickly we adapt.
i cried for days about going to college. days. i worried myself sick. but when i got here, i didn't cry. strangely enough i really didn't...
but somewhere along the line i got used to going to strange classes. listening to strange people. studying twice as much as normal.
i got used to depending on my roommate. she's a huge part of my life. she's fun. and she's one of the very best friends i've got here. i have no idea what i'd do if i didn't have her. i really don't.

this whole thing is weird. and disconcerting.
people are jumping in feet first. and i really should. but i feel that for right now. this very moment, it's alright for me to mourn the things i've lost. because i'm sure that people aren't even aware that it's been lost.
anyhow. i know no one will read this. but good bye comfortable friendship. it was wonderful while it existed. i'll miss you.

2009-12-01T16:12:00.000-08:00

I AM SO OVER BEING WALKED ON.
I've decided that it's just no longer my thing.
I'm not going to be a people pleaser anymore.
and by that I just mean that I am not about to apologize for things that I don't feel are my fault. as I said earlier today about this situation, "if you're gonna be mad at me. then be mad." I'll just let them get back to me when they decide to stop being a douche bag about the whole situation. I mean. if they're gonna be all pissy and a generally bad friend. whatever. I've already gone through this more times than any normal friend should have to. so. I know this seems like quitting when the going gets tough.
but I recently realized that the only reason these small tiffs exist is because the second party likes drama. like. really? who does that. they start these things because they want to be in a fight. they want the attention. they want the intensity. I don't want to be just a silly little relationship to this person. I'm not about to be something that they feel is okay to completely treat like crap. like an experiment.
that's no longer me.

this isn't like the "end of Kristy's niceness" or whatever. it's just the end of me bowing down to other people like it's my job. and it's not. I'm not getting paid. there aren't any benefits. it's just me getting all broken and upset because other people feel like it.
I am not that girl.

and I know it seems like I'm making a huge deal out of this, but it needs to be done.
it's like marking the end of an era. :P

...kind of.

anyway, this was nice.
I like ranting.
but hopefully I soon won't have to

I'll be the definition of chill. and so are all my friends.
so I guess. all of the fake ones best leave.
because I'm not about to break the chill again.

2009-11-30T19:16:00.000-08:00

this is for you rach.

my birthday was really awesome. but we need to make sure to do the night picnic. fo rull.
my very favorite things from my birthday
-muh phish. we need to name them. [and the snails]
-waking up late
-getting facebook comments, messages, texts, calls and even some mail from people wishing me a happy birthday
-my birthday breakfast.
-seeing my grandma
-eating lunch with abby
-straightening and braiding nicky's hair
-having wild cherry PEPSI and butterfinger
-...wearing a crown that lights up. with a wand. and a pin. :D
-eating at sonic [with our fabulous waiter Andrew]
-walking in the movie theatre having people stare at me because of my crown
-seeing the LIFE CHANGING "blind side".
-locking my keys in my car
-having you be my absolute other half.

you're one cool sista.

anyhoozer. I also really like my camera. we need to name it...
probably a boy name. strong, but not pushy. and different, but not something ridic. a legit name ;)

Bach, I'm just gonna ramble. because I feel kind of like just letting things out there.
you feel me, homeslice?

Quitting theatre today was so liberating. I felt like I was being tied down and now I'm able to breathe. I didn't say all I wanted to, but it was enough.

but I've been getting into a lot of fights lately. and it's really getting under my skin. I just want to be like, "WHAT. what's the -real- problem here?" because you can only fight about petty things for so long until it's obvious that there is an underlying cause. but whatever. boo.

...
I don't know why I've been feeling so inadequate lately. I'm currently making plans to make going to the tamarac a completely regular thing. because we both know I'm getting a tad chubby. I think it's the new trimester. I feel like if I start now then I'll totally be on track or something.

Sometimes I really hate people. not like true hate. but I just can't stand what they do. sometimes. it's kind of like the thing we were talking about. the popping in and out of lives thing...
people change so much. and then all of that time that you spent getting to know them is wasted. you no longer have any claim on them. you know absolutely nothing about them anymore. because they've completely replaced who they used to be with this new person. and the worst part is that they don't even know it.

but I guess I'm being a huge hypocrite. people change. it's obviously gonna happen. very neccessary. but I guess I don't like the fact that I've been booted out of their lives. and they seem so completely unaffected. it's like, well. thank you for treating me like a valuable part of your life. ... not.

and again. I'm being a huge hypocrite. but I didn't write this to prove myself to anyone. I wrote this to talk to you. in kind of a prosey bloggy way. different than phone calls or in person. because I can think about what I'm saying. but also different than an email or a letter. because I'm not actually taking that much time to think about it...

rach. I guess the main idea here would be that I'm ridiculously afraid of change. but on the other hand I'm so eager to be who I'm meant to be, to go where I need to go and to generally GET OUT THERE and be. exist. but it's so conflicting. the being afraid for change and then being ready for it. I could easily argue both points. but I'm not arguing. I'm just stating facts.

i like knowing that i can write all of these things to you and know that you'll still be friends with me tomorrow. you wouldn't just jack up my friendship with you because of some little upset. even though I'm pretty sure there haven't been any.
and I know why that is. I feel no need to cause drama. and neither do you. we're both existing. and it's very cool.
so cool in fact, that glaciers are jealous.

I need to show you that marionette poem.
eventually.

I cleaned my fish tank. VERYVERyVEryVeryvery well. it looks clear. like. perfect.
which makes sense... because it's glass. but all the same. I feel like it's never been cleaner.
and this is because I wanted to take extra care, so I could stare at my fish even better than before. haha. :P

my room generally has not ever been cleaner. this was caused by a major upset. [a while ago. and I think you can guess the origin. if not. alert me.] and ever since. I've been a serious neat freak about my life. my bathroom is clean. my room is clean. but I do however need to fix the whole pop spilling in my car thing. and that'll be fine when my cousin returns the little green machine.
green seems like it should be spelled. "grean."
like bean.

anyway bach, I'm going to sleep.
goodnight.

regretting...

2009-09-05T15:42:00.000-07:00

Have you ever regretted something so much that it was all you thought about?

You relive every moment of your mistake out as slowly as possible, just so you know exactly where it went wrong. You concentrate on exactly when you would stop time and tell yourself what NOT to do. Every minute that you spend thinking about it, eats you up more and more. And vainly, you wish that you could turn back time and change the whole thing.

Sometimes I wish that what had happened was WORSE so that I deserved to feel this way about it. So that I could feel better about myself for feeling so ridiculously useless and distraught.

As soon as I saw my moment coming I felt so much terror because of what it was, but really I just felt so... dumb. How could I possibly let something like this happen to me again? How could I not have seen everything? I have no idea what could have been so important to me at the time so that I didn't even notice what was going on. Such a major event and I completely missed it until the very last possible moment. The part where instead of it possibly being a close call, it turned into a reality. Was I REALLY this careless? This stupid? Yes.

I regret so many things. And for just one moment I wish that I could take everything back.

I wonder where I would be now...

madre.

2009-09-02T04:40:00.000-07:00

My mom is my best friend.
I've only seen her cry twice. The first time was when her mom had a stroke and the second time was this morning.
She was crying because of something my stepdad said to her. Now, he's said quite a few ridiculously mean things to her, but obviously this was different because she was actually crying about it. And at that very moment I felt so much rage building in me that I wanted to go downstairs and beat the shit out of him. Or at the very least tell him exactly how I feel.

No one hurts my mother and gets away with it. He will soon find this out. He deserves to know what a terrible person he is. Everyone else knows and he effing deserves to find out.

relationships

2009-08-22T13:47:00.000-07:00

Most people barely value relationships at all anymore. It’s always about material things now. And sure, they’re nice. Money is always nice to have, but honestly the only thing that really matters is a good solid relationship. When it comes right down to it, what else matters? Nothing. Not how many cars you have, the quality of your clothing, or how much money you’ve got in the bank. Material things can only make you happy for so long.
A relationship isn’t about what you can get from someone. It’s about what you share with them and the bond that you build. It's about relying on someone to care about you and help you out when you're struggling. If you haven't got anyone to depend on then I'd say that you're pretty bad off. I know that I've taken some of my relationships for granted and I feel terrible about it. Nothing as important as a bond with someone should be wasted. We have such little time on Earth to make our lives really matter, so every person we can share our lives with is important.
And because I was dumb about my friendships I would say that I was pretty bad off at one point myself. It took someone else throwing away my relationship with them for me to realize that I'd been doing it too.

I used to be really close with my dad and we would always hang out and talk about stuff, but once he met someone new, our life was never the same. I was happy for my dad because he hadn't been doing so great with relationships, so I embraced his new girlfriend and her family. I honestly felt like they could be a really great part of my life. It was after a little while that I realized my dad had been distancing himself from me. That he always chose to be with his girlfriend and her family instead of his own family. It really did hurt, but I felt like after the sparkle of the new relationship wore off that'd he come back to us and try to include us more. That didn't ever happen though. It was finally my birthday freshman year that did it. We always had a family dinner for people's birthdays at my grandma's house. My dad showed up ridiculously late. He had been at his girlfriend’s house with her and her family. It was then that I knew I had been replaced and that he no longer valued our relationship at all.

I think people are generally attracted to new! things. New clothes, new cars, new houses... new relationships. And when they're so caught up in their new things they don't appreciate all of the old things that they already have. All of the people they're leaving behind. I'm aware that it's good to make new friends, but when it results in completely forgetting about old friends... that's where the problem is.
It’s not only replacing a relationship that’s the problem. It’s completely abusing the friendship. It’s thinking that your friend will stick around no matter what you say or do to them. That is not the case. A person can only take so much. If you are actually friends with someone then you shouldn’t talk about them behind their backs.
It’s mean.
It’s dumb.
It’s careless.
It shouldn’t be up to you to judge them, because that isn’t what friendship is about. It’s not a competition to see who comes out to be the best person. It’s about being able to rely on each other for advice, conversation, love and support.
I’m not saying that I’ve never talked about somebody behind their back. I won’t deny it, but I realize that it’s wrong and I regret ever doing it. And I only bring this up because it seems that talking behind people’s backs is the biggest problem with high school girls these days. This is why I feel so blessed to have the friends that I do. I love that they don’t feel the need to say petty things about each other. That they are willing to give advice, conversation, love and support.

I will never take any of my relationships for granted ever again.

family

2009-08-20T22:32:00.000-07:00

I got back from a kayaking trip today, but we were supposed to stay a few more days. My grumpy brothers wanted to leave early though. It was raining and apparently Billy seriously hates the rain. Which I went my whole life without knowing...
Anyway I guess this whole trip just made me realize what a lucky girl I am. I've been blessed with a truly great family. My brothers may -look- a little rough around the edges, but they have the biggest hearts around.
While we were getting through a particularly tricky log jam on the river Billy was trying to help me get my kayak up and over the logs, but he fell in. I could have easily gotten out to do it myself and fallen in, but he wanted me to be safe. It's a scary thing to fall in when you're on a log jam because the water is fast and the logs are tight together, but they roll if you try to get up on them. The ones on the Two Hearted River weren't dangerous like most others can be, they're just a little frightening. Basically, I could have done this myself and gotten a little scared. Maybe it doesn't sound like a big deal, but Billy didn't want me to have to be the least bit frightened and for some reason it just made a really big impression on me.
It was that moment that I realized that yes, he's my brother, but he doesn't have to care about me. Caring about someone isn't automatic. Just because we're family doesn't mean we have to like eachother. All a family really is is a bunch of people put together because they have the same genes. It takes effort to make them close, to get the bond that a -true- family really needs.
I LOVE my family. More than I could ever explain.

Actually. Nix a part of that. I love most of my family. You see, I've got a few different places where it just doesn't work out. And I know that I should probably love everyone, but obviously that is not the case. Take for instance, my step dad. He is probably the worst person I know. I'm not kidding and I won't go into detail, but he does not deserve my love OR my respect. He never will.
There are certain times when people are forced together. He may be my step dad, but the only feeling that I have for him is contempt. People don't care about eachother automatically. There might have been a time when my step dad was a decent person, but I really can't imagine when that could have been... Because for some reason it just seems like some people were just made to make life difficult and that's all my step dad has ever been.

My point is that I'm glad that there are some good people out there and that I'm lucky to have a few in my very own family.